Taking Myself Back

I'm done having babies. I'm done breastfeeding. I'm done using my body for someone other than myself. It's time to take myself back.

Although I would have liked to breastfeed Carson longer, feeding and pumping while parenting 2 other kids is hard work. I am fortunate that I am an over-supplier and I was able to freeze a good amount of milk, but my supply finally dipped and wasn't keeping up anymore. I was still producing almost enough for the day, but mentally I knew the dip was my sign that it was time to stop. 

I'm a big proponent of "fed is best." Breastfeeding can be a major mental game for the mother, and my opinion is once the mother's mental state is compromised, it's time to stop. Formula is expensive, I know, but you can't take care of your babies if you aren't well. 

I was afraid stopping this time would be emotional. This is my last baby. I'll never breastfeed again. Closing a chapter.

Surprisingly I felt relief. It was the first time I realize that my body has been used to create and nourish my 3 kids since 2017. EIGHT YEARS of my body not being my own. Trying to get pregnant, tracking cycles, ovulation tests, medications, a million ultrasounds and blood drawls, shots, thousands of dollars, heartache, tears and joy. We've been through so much to get where we are today and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I get to take my body back now, and that's a powerful realization! 

I'm a very impulsive person. I don't research anything - more of a fake it 'till you make it kind of girl. I have a feeling a therapist would have fun with my brain. I digress... 

I am about 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight right now, but even pre-pregnancy weight has gotten out of control. I'm 60 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from college. I understand that was 19.5 years ago and losing 60 lbs is likely unrealistic now that I'm 37, so losing 40 lbs feels like a realistic goal to set. That is the extent of my thought process and decision making. Welcome to my brain!

Ok so now I guess I need a plan to go with the goal. If I jot it down here, that helps keep me accountable, right??

Goal: lose 40 lbs 

Timeline: 12/1/2025 to 12/31/2026 - 13 months

Plan: exercise for at least 30 minutes 3-4x a week and eat healthy

Daily Reminders:

• It takes time to do this "right" in order to keep the weight off.
• Detoxing my body of all the shit I've consumed with not feel good and the first month will probably suck.
• Being envious of my husband's progress will hinder my own. He started his journey 2.5 years ago and I am starting now. Apples and oranges! 
• Look for the small wins daily!
• This is my body that I'm taking back - show it grace, appreciation, and love!

Not only am I impulsive, but I am also a procrastinator. I spent too much time yesterday creating a weekly calendar to stay on top of chores. We don't have a printer but yesterday was Cyber Monday so of course I had to buy a printer in order to actually hang this calendar on the fridge. Today I'm adding to it so it can become like a journal to track whether or not I worked out, what I ate and drank, and still check off my daily chores. Winging it right now....but once this calendar is printed and hanging on my fridge, WATCH OUT because then I'm really ready!

Using this blog to hold myself accountable and track my progress feels scary. I have never liked being uncomfortable but lately I'm pushing myself to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It's the only way to grow. I've learned a lot about myself and although I'm nervous to kick off this journey, I know it's best for myself which in turn is best for my husband and our kids! So here goes nothing...wish me luck!

k, bye!